life

I've been thinking a lot about the last year and about all the things that happened during that time. I can honestly say the last year was the worst of my life. I hope I never have one like it again, as long as I live. Its depressing to me that it takes something as catastrauphic as losing someone close to me to remind me how precious life really is. I am much more aware of the people in my life and how important they are to me. I make a point to tell my family members that I love them & I hug them each time I see them. This is kind of a big deal because we don't hug in my family. I'm trying to be a better sister, daughter, & friend.

Having such a bad year was so frustrating. I felt like I woke up one day and didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know what was wrong with me or how to fix it. I depended too much on certain people, hoping they would make me normal again. I was afraid to deal with life and come to terms with the things that were happening. There were things that happened that I had no control over, and things that happened that I had complete control over. I gave up on someone I love dearly because I thought walking away from the relationship would make me happier. It didn't. I miss you every single day. I watched my best friend battle substance abuse. I lost a close friend to diabetes. I lost too much weight. I gained the weight back, & then some. I let some very important relationships suffer & they still continue to. I lost my love for running.

I would love to go back to June of 2008 and freeze time. Or maybe do some editing on life, like you do to a home video, just cut parts of it out, like they never happened. I'd go back to when I was so happy I didn't know what to do with myself. Ok, let's be honest, I wasn't "so happy I didn't know what to do with myself." But I was pretty damn happy. I knew what I was doing with myself as far as school, work, & relationships. I had a good job with a good boss who was putting me through school. I had the desire to go to school & learn about the industry I was working in. I still have a desire to learn, but not as strong, and certainly not about business. I had two lay-offs in 8 months. I finally found a good job after being unemployed for 3 months. And I'm so lucky that I was only unemployed for 3 months. I'm so grateful to have a job again. I've changed my major in hopes that I will want to learn like I use to. I'm still working on the good relationship thing & have been for some time now. It's not exactly "going," but I know time will work things out. Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters. Or better yet, who really matters.

I'm so thankful for my parents. They are so supportive and they are such incredible people. My parents have a great relationship. I have never seen them fight in my life. I'm not saying they don't have arguments, because I'm sure they do. But they've never fought or raised their voices in front of their children. And I think that is so amazing. I hope one day I can be the kind of wife my mom is to my dad. And I hope I can have a husband who is like my dad -- hardworking, patient, loving, supportive, & kind. I have amazing brothers & sisters, all of whom are ridiculously intelligent. My three older brothers are all dads & it is so neat to be able to see them with their children & to be able to see how much they love their wives. By this time next year, I'll be the only one in my family who isn't married. And I'm ok with this. My siblings have all chosen the perfect spouses for them. I have 5 siblings-in-law and I love each of them. They are such good people.

I guess my point is, even though my life was the shits last year, I can truly say that I have a pretty phenomenal life. I come from a family that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I have great friends. I love the quote that says, "I have learned that to be with those I like is enough." And it is. I'm so easily entertained its pathetic, but I love doing nothing & just spending time with the people I love. So thanks peeps, for spending time with me.